Contacting a Sibling?
My husband’s adoption was a closed adoption. Recently he contacted his birth mother hoping to have some questions answered. He has no real interest other than finding medical info and having some questions answered. He received no response.
He later found out that his adoptive mother had contacted his birth mother and his birth mother stated that she wanted no contact from my husband. She said no one knew about him and she would like to keep it that way.
Through information he has on his adoption papers, he found out he has an older brother.
He has now located his older brother and wants to speak with him and maybe have a relationship. Obviously this is something that his birth mother wanted to avoid.
Is it wrong to want to speak and have contact with him when his birth mother took such great efforts to keep him a secret?? Is this something he should do??
We live in a society where we enjoy free association. Adult persons are allowed to contact other adult persons, free from hindrance, unless there is a restraining order in place. Since there is no such order, your husband and his brother are free to contact one another and even have a relationship if they so choose, just like any other free adults in our society. Since when do adults need parental approval to do so? Are adopted citizens somehow still considered children, without full adult rights?
If his first mother chose to keep a secret, that’s her problem. She has no legal or ethical right to control someone else’s contacts/relationships simply because it may prove inconvenient to her. He’s not asking for a relationship her. He’s making contact with someone other than her.
I absolutely hope that your husband can have a relationship with his brother. I am very pro-sibling and have a sibling group of 7.
The worse that could happen is for the brother to reject him as his first mother has. It would be sad, yes, but at least he would know.
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First thing is to contact Birth mother again, telling her that your husband WILL, if she doesn’t co-operate, CONTACT the sibling. Then, from her get whatever information might be of value, such as health facts about her family, tendencies of cause of death, ages at death, what diseases prevail in her family and that of the Natural Father, too would be great things to know, if she actually has the information. It may well be that she didn’t even know the natural father. But, in any case, with the threat of letting her family know about your husband’s very existence, she MIGHT be a LOT MORE cooperative. If she balks, just let her know that you already HAVE the siblings contact info and that if she doesn’t cooperate, contact WILL BE INITIATED ASAP.
Then, when you have all the information that she’s able to produce, contact the sibling, anyway. He/she may not have anything to add, they might not accept your husband either, but it’s likely you’ll still have important medical histories that ‘could’ come in very handy for your own future together.
The eventual sibling contact is something that is personal between siblings and really none of the Mother’s business. If she didn’t tell her family, that’s her problem.. It shouldn’t be the criteria for your husband’s decision. If he wants to make contact with anyone in the Birth mother’s family, it’s HIS BUSINESS.
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just seems the logical thing to do
We live in a society where we enjoy free association. Adult persons are allowed to contact other adult persons, free from hindrance, unless there is a restraining order in place. Since there is no such order, your husband and his brother are free to contact one another and even have a relationship if they so choose, just like any other free adults in our society. Since when do adults need parental approval to do so? Are adopted citizens somehow still considered children, without full adult rights?
If his first mother chose to keep a secret, that’s her problem. She has no legal or ethical right to control someone else’s contacts/relationships simply because it may prove inconvenient to her. He’s not asking for a relationship her. He’s making contact with someone other than her.
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Happily reunited adopted citizen.
Keeping secrets is foolish and backfires.
me 2 im pro-sibling =]]]]
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Since your husband is now a grown man he can do whatever he feels is the right thing to do. My daughter is 9 and her biological sister is 11. We have an open adoption so my situation is different from your husband’s. What I can tell you is those girls have a very strong pull toward each other.
My answer is yes, this is something he should do if he wants to.
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